Letting Go...a little.

This had to be no doubt one of the hardest things in my life to get ready for. I have been dreading this since before he was born. You know.. the day you have to throw your child into this big bad world. Well I was trying to be excited for him. You know.."he will learn so much and meet more kids and be social." The stuff we tell ourselves to get through the agony of letting go. The first punch in the gut came when I was in my office, aka "scrap room" and this room was our nursery when our baby boy came home, so there I was writing my baby boys name on glue, scissors, crayons and a backpack. I looked around and started to ball like a crazy woman because I was in his nursery writing his name on things for preschool. How did I get from bringing my newborn home in my arms to this! It was unthinkable. Where did the time go? I HAVE BEEN ROBBED ! I was not ready for this in so shape or form. So the next morning everything started off really bad. He woke up in the worst mood ever. Did not want to pee, eat or be looked at. That was just the excuse I needed to talk myself out of doing this, but my hubby kept saying " It will be fine, just everybody get in the car." Then the boy decides he doesn't want to walk down the steps or go out the door and begins to cry. I started to freak and said " there is no reason that I should go through this", but I kept walking to the car. Finally we made it to the car and on the way we all talked about how fun school will be and all the things that he will get to do. He was so excited when he seen all the kids and mainly all the things to play with. As I watched my son get farther and farther away from me a lump in my throat and a pain in my heart began to hurt like nothing I have ever known. As in my pictures you can see that some of them are blurry..well I was shaking and trying not to look like a fool and I didn't want my son to see me cry. That would have ruined him in preschool for life. So I had to pull myself together until I could get out the door. So after 20 minutes of waiting for my son to get acquainted with his teacher we decided to leave. I gave my boy a kiss and told him to listen and to be good and we would be back in just a little bit. My husband had to keep pushing me and telling me to go. I swear my feet had cement blocks tied to them. I took about five steps out the door and I just took off and beat my hubby to the car. I just began to cry and told him not to say a word to me until I spoke first . Men just don't get how hard it is on us women to let go of our hearts and let them walk into preschool !!!!!!! I know he was just trying to be supportive and tell me it would be ok, but I did not want to hear that ten seconds after getting into the car. Well we went back into town and thought about getting some breakfast, but just went home and looked at each other and felt like our legs and arms were missing. Then we decided to wait until we picked up our boy and then go to lunch. We got back to the school and Ms. Jennifer said that he did great and no one would have ever known it was his first day. I was really happy until the next day when he screamed because I had to leave. I thought after a week of taking him to school that I had gotten over the crying..well I was wrong. The class began to walk up the hill to go to the library. He held on to his teachers hand and said " Bye Mommy". " I'll see you in a little bit." " Love you." and walked away. I was in the car and stopped at the stop sign and watched the class go across the street. Well why not just tear my heart out with a dull knife and throw it under the car!! Just about that time my hubby calls me and began telling me something .. i don't really recall what it was..because I WAS CRYING!!!! He said " what is wrong?" I told him what had just happened and this time he said "Oh...ok.. Is he ok?. Of course he is fine..I'm not! Well I think I have done well considering that I have sent my one and only child into a world I do not trust. I know that God is with the both of us and we will just have to leave it in his hands. That is the only thing that gives me comfort. One hurdle down and millions to go.